Sometimes, during the dark hours of night, there will come a point in time where my heart is moved.  There is an intricate desire for me to write.  About what, that is something that I wonder too.  Yet, the innate need and desire does not dissipate even though I do not know what to write.  It seems that the minute I sit down in front of my computer, or in front of my journal, words flow and sentences take place.

I don't like to admit it, but this moment, the moment right now, is one of those moments.  I have no idea what's going to come out of this, but what I do know is that God is stirring me to write and to release all that's within me into words.  I'm not seeking for approval of men, but the desire is strong and writing now is a form of therapy and a form of outreach of God to me, which I yearn.

What's there to write now? A sense of emptiness seems to be wanting to engulf me, to pull me deep into its recesses and not allow me to come back out again.  Day in, day out, there is such a struggle inside of me that seems to want to drown me.  At times, I am able to fight it and come back up to catch a single breathe.  Other times, it seems to be such a driving force to push me deep down, rendering me unable to climb out of its pit of darkness.  Oh, how true what Paul say in Romans 7:15... "I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it."

There's so many things that I know I ought to be doing and those that I ought not to be doing, but yet, I continue to do them or not do them.  Emotions are good, but yet, sometimes, I allow all rational to kick me in what I need to do, and yet, these rationales, when unable to withhold my emotions, allowed the full force of my emotions to break free without reign.  I'm scared Lord, of my uncontrollable emotions at times.  I'm scared Lord, for my years ingrained rational in my life.  I don't want either to take reign in my life Lord.  Will You take that place in my life once again.  Lord, I am thirsty.  Will you allow me to sip from your foundation once again?  Will you allow me to drink Your water, so that I may never thirst again?  Will You allow me to drink from the water You offer to me, and allow this water to turn into a spring of water welling up to eternal life?  Oh Lord, how my soul yearns for You.  Yet, Lord, I continue at times in hardening myself again You.  Oh Lord my God, forgive me oh Lord for the stubbornness in me, for the hardness of my heart.  I pray Lord, that You will soften me once again.  Lord, I seek solace in You for all the hardships in my life.  I give glory and thanks to You for all the pleasures in my life.  I thank You Lord for life, for You gave me a voracity to live a life so full, doing things that brings me pleasure.  Teach me to continue to be ever thankful for all things in my life.  I know I'm not always grateful, but Lord, Your grace, Your mercy, renewed everyday comes pouring even right now into me, and I want to thank You for that.  Oh Lord, I pray for Your grace and mercy to continue to cover me, and may Your love oh Lord, continue to be my leading steps everyday of my life.

Although I may be very tired, drained, jaded, not wanting to feel, but Lord, soften my heart that You want prune out things that You do not want to take place in me, and plant those lil seeds that You will to take place in my heart.  I trust You oh Lord, be my guidance oh Lord...