Saturday, March 27, 2010

Never Cease to Surprise Me

God really never cease to surprise me and I am utterly amazed by His surprises.  To think that He is all knowing, to know all things that happened in life and to be able to use His servants to verbally articulate pinpoint and articulate all that's within me, I really, truly am touched.  Well, I won't say that things are settled and down with.  There are a lot more things in which I need to go through and to examine in my life in order to gain that emotional healthy spirituality that I need in my life in my walk with Him.  But what I do know is that He has open up the path for me and all I need to do now is to really, seek Him, learn to share with Him, learn to examine myself with Him and to allow Him to work through me.  I want to break that Wall that's stopping me from going further.  In order for me to do so, I will need to examine myself inwardly so that I will be able to grow outwardly.

Lord, thank U for opening the path for me.  I pray Lord that I will follow through this opening in which U have allow me to step into, and I pray that I will be able to gain that freedom U would want me to gain.  Thank U Lord Jesus, for Ur constant reminder that I am not going through life alone, that U are always with me, that U will never leave me nor forsake me.  Even though there are times in which I feel alone, I feel lonely, I feel isolated, I know U are there with me.  It may be that things are so chaotic in and around me that I cannot hear that quiet whisper of Urs.  Teach me oh Lord to learn to enjoy the solitude and silence in life, so that my ears will be attune to Ur quiet whisper.  Lord, U are wonderful, and I cannot stop praising U for being such a great God to me.  U are just, so, so amazing oh Lord, just so so wonderful, so focused in Ur love for me and for those around me.  Lord, break my pride I pray, and do not allow my ego to edge u out of my life.  Rather, teach me humility, so that in my weaknesses, in my vulnerabilities, and in the every emptiness of me, that U will shine through me.  May Ur face continue to be reflected and shine through me oh Lord.  More of U and less of me oh Lord.  In Jesus' name I pray, AMEN

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Sometimes, during the dark hours of night, there will come a point in time where my heart is moved.  There is an intricate desire for me to write.  About what, that is something that I wonder too.  Yet, the innate need and desire does not dissipate even though I do not know what to write.  It seems that the minute I sit down in front of my computer, or in front of my journal, words flow and sentences take place.

I don't like to admit it, but this moment, the moment right now, is one of those moments.  I have no idea what's going to come out of this, but what I do know is that God is stirring me to write and to release all that's within me into words.  I'm not seeking for approval of men, but the desire is strong and writing now is a form of therapy and a form of outreach of God to me, which I yearn.

What's there to write now? A sense of emptiness seems to be wanting to engulf me, to pull me deep into its recesses and not allow me to come back out again.  Day in, day out, there is such a struggle inside of me that seems to want to drown me.  At times, I am able to fight it and come back up to catch a single breathe.  Other times, it seems to be such a driving force to push me deep down, rendering me unable to climb out of its pit of darkness.  Oh, how true what Paul say in Romans 7:15... "I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it."

There's so many things that I know I ought to be doing and those that I ought not to be doing, but yet, I continue to do them or not do them.  Emotions are good, but yet, sometimes, I allow all rational to kick me in what I need to do, and yet, these rationales, when unable to withhold my emotions, allowed the full force of my emotions to break free without reign.  I'm scared Lord, of my uncontrollable emotions at times.  I'm scared Lord, for my years ingrained rational in my life.  I don't want either to take reign in my life Lord.  Will You take that place in my life once again.  Lord, I am thirsty.  Will you allow me to sip from your foundation once again?  Will you allow me to drink Your water, so that I may never thirst again?  Will You allow me to drink from the water You offer to me, and allow this water to turn into a spring of water welling up to eternal life?  Oh Lord, how my soul yearns for You.  Yet, Lord, I continue at times in hardening myself again You.  Oh Lord my God, forgive me oh Lord for the stubbornness in me, for the hardness of my heart.  I pray Lord, that You will soften me once again.  Lord, I seek solace in You for all the hardships in my life.  I give glory and thanks to You for all the pleasures in my life.  I thank You Lord for life, for You gave me a voracity to live a life so full, doing things that brings me pleasure.  Teach me to continue to be ever thankful for all things in my life.  I know I'm not always grateful, but Lord, Your grace, Your mercy, renewed everyday comes pouring even right now into me, and I want to thank You for that.  Oh Lord, I pray for Your grace and mercy to continue to cover me, and may Your love oh Lord, continue to be my leading steps everyday of my life.

Although I may be very tired, drained, jaded, not wanting to feel, but Lord, soften my heart that You want prune out things that You do not want to take place in me, and plant those lil seeds that You will to take place in my heart.  I trust You oh Lord, be my guidance oh Lord...

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Busy Busy

Busy bee, that's what I've been feeling these days.  What am I so busy about?  That's something for me to wonder too.  I guess, I am tired from all the mental stress and mental activities that takes place in both office and church.  There seems to be many things in which I need to do/ complete, yet there isn't enough time to do them.  I've also come to a point where I feel lazy!  It's like, I just don't feeling like doing anything at all.  I just want to stay at home and not do work, just laze around and etc.  But I also know that that's not to be so.

I fell sick today.  Don't know what sickness, but the whole body was aching like mad.  I guess I was too stressed out mentally to the point where physically it aches?  Is there such thing?  I am contemplating of changing my diet too.  Why?  Coz I think it will help me in terms of my energy and in terms of my body.  I am slowly trying to make changes in my life.  But like I said, slowly.  I'm not in a hurry to change, but sometimes, change is inevitable.

Lord, I pray for your hands to be upon this change that I am allowing to take place.  Lead me to change to be how you want me to be.  Lord, I trust and commit myself into your hands oh Lord. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Tired & Jaded

Lord, how ah? I've come to a point where I'm just feeling so tired and jaded.  I feel like not caring, I feel like not wanting to care, not wanting to worry, not wanting to be concerned with everything.  I'm really really tired.  Things are just, feeling messy right now.  Would you please give me rest?  Would just please give me that peace in my heart that I yearn for?  I wish for some quietness, I wish for some clarity of mind, I wish for Your strength and presence to be with me.  I'm feeling awfully exhausted Lord, so much so to the point that I just, don't know what to say, don't know how to treat people, don't know what I should do. 

There just seems to be so many things happening in my life, so many issues that involves me or is related to me, so many things that requires my attention and commitment.  I've come to the point Lord, where I just want to cry out to you and say, Lord, I give up.  I don't want it anymore, I just don't want to deal with it, I just don't want to have to face it ever again.  Maybe that is why I want to ask you, please open up a door for me to move on, to step forward oh Lord.  I totally do not have the heart anymore, I do not have the desire anymore.  Things just keeps piling, keeps stacking to the point where I'm utterly at loss.  I'm no longer wanting any of those responsibilities.  Do take it away from me for a while.  I just want rest, will you teach me how to find rest in you?  How do I find you for your strength? How do I find you for your love? 

Oh Lord, hear the cry of my heart, hear my despair oh Lord, hear my hunger oh Lord for your peace and rest... hear me oh Lord I pray...

Psalm 39:12 ~ "Hear my prayer, O LORD, listen to my cry for help; be not deaf to my weeping. For I dwell with you as an alien, a stranger, as all my fathers were."

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Pondering

Life definitely has its... thing.  I'm not very fancy with words, but the ease of me writing is merely all about expressing my thoughts and emotions at the time of my blogging.  Right now, there is this feeling that this is my blogging moment, a time where I write out my emotions and my thoughts.  Yet at the same time, I feel that there are some things that's too private for me to share here. 

Life has not be easy for me for the past few months.  There are things that has happened that made me feel extremely down.  There are things that made me anxious and there are ongoing things in my life that made me to rethink about a whole lot of things.  Granted, being mere human, I do try to avoid thinking too much about some of them, but yet, at this moment, I think, life is at a standstill as I ponder... what is the next step to take, what is that next thing that I should do, what is that next point I should head to. 

God is still good during these times, even though in some ways, I'm avoiding, not wanting to think, He has been faithfully and patiently waiting for me to turn to Him.  I know I'm struggling, and I don't actually know how to step out of this struggle that I am facing, but I do know He is there waiting patiently, allowing me to figure things out, allowing me to come to a point where I would say, You know what, I'll turn this to You, I'll place it in Your hands. 

In some ways, I am still holding on, I've not fully let go.  I'm still waiting, I'm still trying to see how things would be like.  I do wonder sometimes, if I'll ever move on. Can I actually take that next step?  Do I dare to take the next step and move on?  This is one of my struggles.  Because of my belief that there's always hope no matter how bad the situation may be, I guess I'm still hoping, standing still at this point in life as I ponder with hope against hope on my future.

Many people said that I am an optimistic person, one that is always so strong, one who can face anything that comes her way.  You know what, I am not actually that strong, I'm not sure either if I am that optimistic.  I am just like any other girl, who have her struggles , who tries her very best to survive in this ever evolving world.  I have my moments of weakness, but I place hope in God to be my strength, I have my moments of despair too, yet in my despair I try my hardest to grab hold of Him who gives me hope. 

Life, I believe, is never easy.  Yet, I am able to be alive, to have the chance to live a life because God gave me life through His son.  Even though I know that I am struggling at this point, even though at times I am at loss at what I want to do, what is the next step for me, I honestly can only say, I will try my hardest to place my hope in You.  Even though I am struggling right now Lord, I know You can see my struggles and that You are with me.  Teach me oh Lord, to learn to let go and let You take charge and take care of me and my struggles.  I place my hope, against all hope in You.  My future may be unknown right now, but allow me oh Lord, at this very moment, at this very point in time, to just say, I trust You Lord and I know that You will help me pull through this very struggle that I am having. 

I guess I am hitting a another level in life, one where I need to learn to be decisive of things... Lord, in my everyday moments, grant me I pray, a little of your grace and mercy, so that I may learn to live each day in You...

Luke 1:46

"My soul glorifies the Lord and my Spirit rejoices in God my Saviour...


Mary calls herself blessed, chosen to bore Jesus even though she is unmarried.  Not only that, she says that from that time onwards all generations will call her blessed, not because she borne Jesus, but because the Mighty One has done great things for her! She, an unmarried woman, is pregnant! As all generations, they who are pregnant and unmarried are shunned by the community.  They will/may be condemned to death! Yet, she says that the Lord has done great things for her, trusting that all generation to come will call her blessed instead.  Oh, what trust she portray to you oh God... so amazing, in total acceptance, she accepts your Word.  Will I ever be able to do as what she did?  I really am not sure oh Lord.  Yet, in any manner that I can, I will learn to place my trust in You oh Lord.  For I know, I will be called blessed because of You, OH Lord.

Friday, March 5, 2010

Nearing That Time of the Year

It’s nearing that time of the year again for me.  The time where, yes, all of us will face.  There’s no way you can escape it, well, unless you pass on, that is.  It’s nearing the date where my mother brought me to this earth! Yes! It’s my birthday….

My gosh, I am already in my late 20s and entering into it even further as 21st September comes.  Living life as long as I’ve done, I truly do wish to reflect on my life up till now and really, be thankful for the countless blessings that God has poured upon my life:

1. Thank God for giving me life

2. Thank God for a loving and caring family

3. Thank God for a caring and wonderful and growing church

4. Thank God for S, who loves me and cares for me

5. Thank God for always providing me with jobs all through my working years and allowing me to grow well in my career

6. Thank God for friendships that continue to grow and span further than I could ever imagine

7. Thank God for the many opportunities, those that I can explore and grow further in my life

8. Thank God for providing financially to me, especially when times are really tough

9. Thank God for all those hard times that I’ve encountered all through the years, whether they are big or small, because they have shaped me to be the person that I am right now

10. Thank God that I am given more opportunities to grow in my walk with Him, as well as opportunities for me to grow in my work and in life

11. Thank God that I am able to enjoy music even till right now, especially singing.  If it’s not for Him, I guess my passion for singing died long time ago

12. Thank God for the peace that I have in my life, and the assurance that He is always with me and will always provides me with a peace that this world could never ever give me

13. Thank God for the opportunity to serve Him in Cambodia for the mission trip, because it really makes me realise how blessed we are in this country

14. Thank God that I have the freedom to profess my religion in my country

Looking back and reflecting my life, I really do have a lot of other things to give thanks to God.  But since those are private to me, I shall keep it between Him and me for now.

As one gets older, one, I guess, tends to be reflective of things.  Many things in life, I wish I did not do, I wish I did better, I wish I’d never come across even.  But one thing for sure, in every season of my life, even during the best and the worst times ever, Jesus has always been wish me.  And for that I am truly, truly thankful.  Never could I imagine a life without Jesus.  And having encountered such a situation where I could not seem to find God no matter where I look for Him makes me realise all the more that I cannot NOT have God in my life.

Jesus, I truly thank you for the wonderful life you have given me and I look forward to my future with You.  I place it into Your assuring hands, knowing that in every season of my life, you will be with me and you will bring them to pass.  Thank you for continuing to love me even when I was not lovable, even when I was disobedient to you.  Thank you for showing me the way, the way to life, the way to you and the way I should live my life.  Forgive me oh Lord, for the wrongs that I have done, for the wrongs that I may have done unknowingly.  I look forward to knowing more about you, and to draw closer to you.  Praise be unto your name, the most wonderful, powerful and loving name, forever and ever. Amen.


So, anyone wana buy me a new camera?? hahahaha…oh well….

Busy

Besides the emo things that's happening to me (ya, my youth said.. eh, you've been rather emo on FB these few days hor???!! Emo is da word man), I've been rather busy as well.

One thing for sure, it's not easy to setup a business!  Haha, why?  Because I've set up my online business! I'm currently selling accessories online at velvethouze.blogspot.com and it's not that easy.  One thing for sure, because these items are to be sold online, I need to get pictures taken! And, sadly, at the moment, there isn't a budget for me to pay someone for it. So need to depend on kind people to help me take picture.  I've gotten a couple of friends who are cool enough to help me.  Still, because I am selling accessories, I have quite a number of them okay!  So cannot also overload my friends in taking the pictures.  So what I had to do is to give them a few and take... sigh, rather tough to find someone to take pictures.  I'm also trying to take a few of them! It's tough.... but it is fun.  The issue is, taking pictures does take some time, and time is something that I am quite lacking at the moment, amidst getting the website up and running, getting the orders and making sure the orders are ok, packing the accessories, making sure that postage is done and etc.. whew... I salute those who have been doing it for a while now.

Nonetheless, I am enjoying myself!  It's fun to be able to market and sell things that you love to buy! Oh yes, I have accessories fetish (wonder which girl doesnt)! I'm loving it whilst in the midst of the crazy time thingie.  I guess, it's really a juggle... need to learn time management (I suck big time on this!) and make sure that my 9 to 6 work and tasks are not neglected.

Another thing I'm learning is also allocating time to do devotion.  This takes time too! Oh, I'm not lamenting, but it's really about learning to allocate my time properly.  I think, in the midst of everything, it's really by spending time doing devotion and praying that I am able to still get the rest that I need and able to still take in a breather and say, phew, God, all in Your good hands.  Spending time with God has been keeping me grounded.  Granted, sometimes I do rush through my devotion, but in most time, I do try my best to quiet down myself and be still in God's presence.  It's all about learning right?  Learning to practice Contemplative Spirituality amidst all things, learning to practice being quiet in God's presence, learning to read and focus on what He wants to say to me (a lot ok!) and many more.  It's really, really wonderful, and I really do thank God for all the wonderful moments that I can spend with Him.  I am definitely far from perfect, far from practicing contentment, far from being 100% focus during my devotional time, far from being 100% still in His presence (sometimes my mind do wander, I tell you.. aih), but praise God for those little moments that I can spend with Him.

I hope, that things will get better in time.  But one thing for sure, I learn that when you place your trust and faith in God, there will be hope =)

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Luke 1:39

...the baby leaped in her womb, and Elizabeth was filled with the Holy Spirit

Even before Jesus was born, the people of God are also filled with the Holy Spirit! Look here, it is stated that Elizabeth is filled! What's more, out of her mouth she shows knowledge that is not of her own.  Mary - a virgin, yet, Elizabeth, when filled with the Holy Spirit, displays this knowledge that there is a baby in Mary's womb, and that baby is her Lord.  Likewise, why do we doubt that Holy Spirit give us knowledge and wisdom that is beyond our mind?  God is omniscience, so do not be surprised to know that the Holy Spirit will tell us things that that we do not know of.  That's why Jesus sent the Holy Spirit to us, to teach us of things of God, things that we do not know about.  Praise God for this gift.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Luke 2:32

Sovereign Lord, as you have promised,
You may now dismiss your servant in peace.
For my eyes have seen your salvation,
Which you prepared in the sight of all nations,
A light for revelation to the gentiles,
And the glory of your people Israel.

Amazing to know that God have shown Simeon his salvation plan.  What’s more amazing is the fact that he has planned for Jesus to be the light to the gentiles. Amazing.  God has mended for all to be saved! And He, in His sovereignty knows that the gentiles too need such revelation.  After all, Abraham was also a gentile.  The chosen father of faith, and now in full circle, all will come to know Christ as Saviour, disregarding your nationality.  This is for God has chosen all, forgiving all, reconciliaing all!

Hallelujah praise the Lord!