Pondering

Life definitely has its... thing.  I'm not very fancy with words, but the ease of me writing is merely all about expressing my thoughts and emotions at the time of my blogging.  Right now, there is this feeling that this is my blogging moment, a time where I write out my emotions and my thoughts.  Yet at the same time, I feel that there are some things that's too private for me to share here. 

Life has not be easy for me for the past few months.  There are things that has happened that made me feel extremely down.  There are things that made me anxious and there are ongoing things in my life that made me to rethink about a whole lot of things.  Granted, being mere human, I do try to avoid thinking too much about some of them, but yet, at this moment, I think, life is at a standstill as I ponder... what is the next step to take, what is that next thing that I should do, what is that next point I should head to. 

God is still good during these times, even though in some ways, I'm avoiding, not wanting to think, He has been faithfully and patiently waiting for me to turn to Him.  I know I'm struggling, and I don't actually know how to step out of this struggle that I am facing, but I do know He is there waiting patiently, allowing me to figure things out, allowing me to come to a point where I would say, You know what, I'll turn this to You, I'll place it in Your hands. 

In some ways, I am still holding on, I've not fully let go.  I'm still waiting, I'm still trying to see how things would be like.  I do wonder sometimes, if I'll ever move on. Can I actually take that next step?  Do I dare to take the next step and move on?  This is one of my struggles.  Because of my belief that there's always hope no matter how bad the situation may be, I guess I'm still hoping, standing still at this point in life as I ponder with hope against hope on my future.

Many people said that I am an optimistic person, one that is always so strong, one who can face anything that comes her way.  You know what, I am not actually that strong, I'm not sure either if I am that optimistic.  I am just like any other girl, who have her struggles , who tries her very best to survive in this ever evolving world.  I have my moments of weakness, but I place hope in God to be my strength, I have my moments of despair too, yet in my despair I try my hardest to grab hold of Him who gives me hope. 

Life, I believe, is never easy.  Yet, I am able to be alive, to have the chance to live a life because God gave me life through His son.  Even though I know that I am struggling at this point, even though at times I am at loss at what I want to do, what is the next step for me, I honestly can only say, I will try my hardest to place my hope in You.  Even though I am struggling right now Lord, I know You can see my struggles and that You are with me.  Teach me oh Lord, to learn to let go and let You take charge and take care of me and my struggles.  I place my hope, against all hope in You.  My future may be unknown right now, but allow me oh Lord, at this very moment, at this very point in time, to just say, I trust You Lord and I know that You will help me pull through this very struggle that I am having. 

I guess I am hitting a another level in life, one where I need to learn to be decisive of things... Lord, in my everyday moments, grant me I pray, a little of your grace and mercy, so that I may learn to live each day in You...