Ponderings of a girl

26 Oct 2006

Don’t feel like writing, so I’m typing instead. It’s hard for a girl/woman when it comes to the emotional side of things. It’s even harder when it comes to the matter of the opposite gender, where our hearts turned frail and mushy and desolation sets in when there is nothing happening in that aspect.

Being a girl myself, it’s typical that I do feel that too. Sometimes things can be such a downturn that you wonder whether God really have someone in store for you in your life so that you can spend the rest of your life with him (or if you’re a guy reading this, her). You see people being so lovey dovey and you ask God, will I get someone who would love me for who I am, for the person You’ve created me to be? Then again, there are days when you find, hey! FREEDOM! You can just do whatever you want when you’re single and not worry about anything. You can go and serve God wherever He wants you to go, you don’t have to worry about things that may bog you down (of coz, work is one and your immediate family is one, but we shall put that aside for another day J) You don’t have to worry like your friend does, aiya, I need to check with my boyfriend first to see if it’s ok if I join you guys (come one mate, you’re not married to him .. YET).

Hey, I’m not criticizing those that are attached and all, just seeing things from a different viewpoint that’s all. Haha, who knows in the near future I might end up being like that too, calling and checking with my boyfriend (whoever that is) to let him know that I’m meeting who and who and where and when.

Being a girl, I do wish to be on the other side of the picture. Ya know, human sometimes do think that the grass is greener on the other side (well, it does, doesn’t it, to have someone to love and to care for you and to be assured when you need assurance. Of coz, what I meant is a deeper level of love and caring and support). Ya know, to be able to find someone who truly loves you, and all. Sometimes, we also wonder whether we’re destined to be single as well. I know of friends who prayed that God would not let them be single for the rest of their lives, friends who came to accept their singlehood and friends who desperately seeking for that one partner in their lives (ok, I’ve learnt of something during the camp that we ought not to think of it this way, but I betcha there’s heaps who are thinking this way, probably due to the fact that this is what the TV and movies portray, meet your prince charming, he’s the only one and you live happily ever after. Better not go this direction else it’ll be a big diversion).

Being 24 and haven’t even dated before, it’s hardly always positive for me. I’ve dealt with self esteem, self worth and there are still things that I need to deal with. I think anyone would, when people around you asked you the following questions:

- do you have a boyfriend? (when you answer no, series of questions shot out from their mouth)
- have you paktoh before?
- How come never?
- But…

That’s when I look at them in wonderment and ask, I also wish to know why I’ve never paktoh (dated) before. Maybe coz I was never asked by anyone to be their girlfriend? (ok, NO, I will NOT simple say YES just because someone comes up to me and ask me that question). To be honest, I think these kind of questions, although meant well at times, is not that appropriate. Do you know that you will end up hurting the person you’re asking. I know I did during the first few times people asked me that question. During those times I think of questions like:

- Am I not that attractive?
- Am I really that plain?
- Do guys really think of pretty girls (this one I duno ok!) and go for them?
- Does God really want me to be single for my whole life (gotta admit that I’m scared to know the answer to this question)
- Are guys repelled by me?
And a whole list of questions more. I guess the struggles I went through made me strong as well, for I know I am beautiful, for all of God’s creation is beautiful. Beauty should be seen from God’s eyes and not men. Sometimes these questions do creep into my life time and again, but I’ve learnt and am still learning to continue to trust God’s plan for my life. I figured, heck, I’m only 24, who knows, I might meet a guy later and get married right away after that (haha, my friends would probably freak out). Only God have the masterplan in my life and thus, it’s alright.

Ya know, I’ve friends who said this to me, why not just try out with whoever? Who knows, he might be the right one. I know this works for someone, but for my personality and character, I guess this style of try first and see how doesn’t really work for me? The try that I meant here is the kind where you’re a little teeny weeny attracted to a guy and he comes after you and you just say ok without really thinking through. There’s bound to be some criteria (physical criterias aside) that you would want the other party to fulfill. I’m not the kind that want a person to change himself to suit me… but yet, there are things that I do hope that my partner would have. I just want someone who loves God, who would put God even before me, who would love me for who I am and is genuine with himself and with others. I can’t just try with any other guys who come into the picture (haha, it sounds like there’s a lot, but there isn’t any for a while). I guess that’s just me and who I am.

Ya know, it’s tough at times, being single, hanging out with your friends and their boyfriends. I mean, it’s great that you know, they are together and all, but it’s just that sometimes it makes me think about my singleness a bit more than usual. Things such as self-worth, beauty in the eyes of the beholder, self-esteem does crop into your mind and it’s hard to control the self-pity that seems to be screaming to be let out.

A girlfriend of mine is going through this at the moment. And being through it myself, I still can’t find the words to console her and help her pull through it. I don’t know what I can say to her to make her feel better, to help her feel God’s love in her life (she knows that God does love her, but sometimes things just don’t seem to be as positive as you want it to be eh). There are a lot of other factors that comes into to play, but as a respect to her, I will not reveal too much. I can only pray that God will continue to touch her, for I know He is by her side at all times, and He knows of her tiredness, her weariness and also her desire and feelings. Being her friend, even right now, I guess all I can do is just to lend an ear and a shoulder for her to cry/lean on. Even so, I do pray that the Lord will grant me wisdom to be sensitive to her needs and feelings and to help her through this. And I also pray that ya know, she will lay her burden, her tiredness and her despair before God and allow Him to hold her once again.

Ok, I know I’ve rattled quite a bit and I should stop now. Girls out there who are seeking and even guys, I really do trust that God knows what is best for us and maybe, at the moment, He’s using our singlehood to mold us to be the person that He wants us to be and at the same time doing the same for our life partner as well. I do trust that He will bring that person into my life and at the moment, I do pray that God will continue to take good care of him until the time comes for us to meet and be together.

So at the moment, DO ENJOY your singlehood and use it to do wonders for GOD!