Wanting to Write Again

YFeeling at a crossroad again.  This time, it's not about work, but about ministry.  Uncertain if I should continue when I feel burned out.  I'm feeling the strain after having come back out to the "world" to work and deal with the things that happens in a corporate environment.

Don't get me wrong.  I'm thankful to God that I am able to find a job after so many months.  What I am feeling is the strain between balancing ministry life and work life.  I'm tired looking at the things that is happening right now.  Many of us are so busy with work life and right now, church seems to be having so many things which requires the involvement of the worship team that we come to the point where I want to say, I don't think this is working.  Yet, there isn't anyone else voicing the same thing.  We say one thing and we do another thing.  Sometimes I wonder, is it worth it?  What is the whole purpose of worship?  What is the whole purpose of what we are doing now?  Are we just doing it for the sake of doing it?  Or are we putting ourselves out there and trying to be so many things and do so many things that we lose ourselves along the way.

I love worship.  I really do.  But how do I balance it?  Is life just a series of choices where it's either work or it's ministry?  I don't always believe that.  I guess the ultimate question to this is, is Jesus at the centre of your life right now?  Is it because he no longer is the centre that I am facing this struggle?  A question that I have to say, I'm afraid to answer, and I guess, being afraid, I kinda do know the answer to it.  Balance, life long skill of balancing with God in the middle.

Lord, help me to do so.  I have come to the point I have to say, I'm done with this struggle Lord.  The ministry is yours and yours alone.  I am but a mere steward of this ministry.  I can't make people do things that they don't want to, so I come to you right now in prayer, revive this ministry Lord.  May the people who serve you have the passion to do so.  May the people who is passionate about worship, uses that passion to serve you.  I pray that Lord, you will unite this ministry together and may we have the same vision and same direction.  Lord, I look to you for help and I know that you will reach out your hand to me.  I have faith in that.  So once again, I commit this ministry into your hands.  You know the best.  May we be stretched and be expanded so that we can be versatile and flexible.

In Jesus' name I pray, amen.

Thoughts

Life is complicated

Undiluted complication

Unaccountable confusion

A mess, really…

A mess we created ourselves

A mess we caused ourselves

Yet, time and again

Our fingers pointed away from ourselves

Hands shoving blames to others

When, who are we to blame really,

But ourselves?

Day by day

We struggle and we stumble

Attempting to crawl along

To move forward, even for just an inch

Yet, we are stagnated

Rooted to the ground

Not moving forward, nor moving backwards

Coming to a point,

That all we can do is fall to our knees

Heart wrenching

Bawling ourselves out

Sobbing away

Tears falling

Heart’s emptying…

With a whisper, we cried out the one word we couldn’t

Help…

Help me, please…

Oh, from the depth of our hearts that one word seep out

And He hears

He heard our whisper

Surrender.... Again

Been dragging my feet and procrastinating in my walk.  Randomly reading a blog today and came upon an entry by Dale Partridge with the title Availability is the Fight.  Honestly, I clicked at it just to have a read and what do you know?  The word surrender pops up in the short article.  How much of a coincidence can one get when it happens time and again?  Here are some quotes from the article which I found is quite profound and truly "define" what surrender means:

"He told disciples to surrender every dimension of their lives to God.  Their work, their fears, their family, their success.  Nothing shows your faith more perfectly than your willingness to relinquish the authority of your life and follow any directive given by your leader.  Surrender is the proof of real relationship and real conviction.  Surrender is the true evangelism.

It's not easy.  It's tough.  I'm not sure if I can do it.  I'm even afraid to try it.  How does one take a step to do so?  I honestly, truly do not know.  I guess... I need to start somewhere.

(pic taken from http://www.thewordofanerd.com/)

I am reminded

Today, I am reminded to give thanks to God no matter what happens in my life, no matter what I am feeling at this point in time, no matter how difficult things or how wonderful things may be.  For the past week, I realised that I was choosing to be critical, to be mean, to be nasty and what not.  This is because I was feeling miserable, feeling upset, feeling down and all.  Yet through out the week, God, through His word and through the devotion I was doing, reminded me the importance of giving thanks.

This morning, even before practice starts, though we were late to start and all, I chose to give thanks to God for the opportunity to serve Him that morning with all my brothers and sisters.  I wasn't feeling it really, and I could've allowed whatever I was feeling through the week to bring me down, to make choose not to do my best for God.  But I chose to remember what God was trying to tell me, and to give thanks to Him.  I gave thanks to God for the opportunity to serve Him, for the opportunity to sing for Him.  I gave thanks for the freedom that we have in worshipping our Lord without fear.  I give thanks for the freedom to lift up my voice and to lift up my hands and to be able to freely proclaim His name to people around me.

Even right now, I choose to give thanks for being able to write this post, to have internet to post it and to share with those who are interested in it.  I truly am grateful.

I guess sometimes, we, living our lives everyone, threading on that path that we think will lead us to a better life, we forgot to stop, reflect and thank God for those little things that He has blessed us with.  Sometimes, along my life, I do have to admit that, thinking of what I want and dwelling on all those big issues and worries of life, I forgot to thank God for those blessings He have placed along my path.

Lord, thank you for your wonderful and timely reminder.  Forgive me for always criticising, thinking of the bad side of things, being negative and even being sarcastic.  Help me once again to be positive, to be reminded to give thanks at all times.  Change me oh Lord I pray, and make me anew once again in You.  I pray this simple pray from the bottom of my heart in the name of my wonderful Lord and Saviour, Jesus... Amen

Faith

When it comes to faith, one asks a lot of questions.  What is faith? What does it actually mean? What does it entails?  A lot of times, faith is explained as believing in something that you cannot see or feel.  The dictionary.com define faith as confidence or trust in a person or thing.  But when it comes to Jesus Christ, what is faith?  It's easy to say, have faith sister or brother, have faith that God is in control and etc.  But when reality hits you right at your face, can you still say have faith?  Can you still have faith?

Faith hits me right at the face tonight, when I busy myself managing the stage for Jaeson Ma Music Rally at PGRM.  Faith hits me when Ps Joeann shared that we have nothing, no money at all, just a vision and a dream to do a big one for God.  Money is something we do not have.  But what we have then, is faith.  Faith to step out and say, God, here I am, use me for I am yours.  Faith is when everything is telling you it's the wrong thing to do, it's the worse ever commitment you're going to make, you'd say yes for God.  Faith, is believing beyond what we can see right now, and believing and trusting and KNOWING that this is what God calls us to do, and He will bring it to pass.  This team that has come together, showed me what their faith in God truly is.  Their faith shows me that, no matter what fear or worries we may have, we can have faith in God knowing that He is in control.  Their faith shows me that, no matter what you plan or want things to work out, we can have faith in God, knowing that He is our master and holds the blueprint of our plans in His hands.  Their faith shows me that God works beyond what is right now and He can work in you and I to go beyond what situation we may be in right now.  Their faith shows me too, that we can dream big in God, because if we have that faith, and out of that faith, born passion and desire to go beyond our own limitations for God, we can achieve great things for Him.  We may be ordinary people, but we have an extraordinary God and because of that, we can do extraordinary things for Him too!  And all this start from faith.

Faith is such a simple word, but yet, it carries such a weight in its meaning.  Faith...  Do you have enough faith in God?  Can you say and mean it from your heart that God is in control of your life?  Can you tell God, lead me oh Lord, that I may have faith to see beyond what I can see right now, and to be confident in You and trust that You are leading me?  Faith....

Simplicity of Love.

The simplicity of love, overclouded by the demands of humans, is sometimes seen to be something that is hard to seek.  In this world where we live in, it seems that love is about how much a person can provide for you, what the other person can give you, what the other person is willing to spend on you.  Living in these days whereby materialism seems to be the dominating factor, the simplicity of love seems to be hidden from us.  Human, I find, tend to see love as something that one can gain from, not something that one can give with no expectation in return.

I’ve seen love where one demands the other to be of a certain way, where one demands the other to change, where one demands another to give, where one constantly wanting to only receive, wanting to only take all the while selfishly keeping themselves at a distance.  I’ve seen love where manipulation is the key player; love where both parties put each other down so much and yet they do take in the abuse (yes, I see this abuse), love where one says, I’ve got no say because he/she is like that; I cannot voice out my thoughts or opinion because of the way he/she is.  I’ve also seen love where the other party became so weak just because of love, where she is no longer the person that she was. 

I am not saying that love is wrong, but yet, I believe that when one love, therein involves a sense of giving from both parties, a manner of respect for both parties, a sincerity of heart from both parties.  I’m not out to offend, but just to share my thoughts on love.

Love is beautiful, love is pure, love is simple, yet many times you see love being twisted to suit that particular person, and it can definitely be the heavy kind too.  We tend to twist it and say, I’m doing this because I love you, and I’m saying this because I love you, if you love me, you will… Things can get quite crazy sometimes.  Go figure. 

Living in Asia itself tells of a different kind of story too.  Asian culture isn’t helping when it comes to love, because our parents grew up in a life where words of love are not spoken, but words of reprimand and words of putting down others seems to be so prevalent.  I know, because I grew up living under this kind of love.  A love that doesn’t praise if you do well, rather, it seems to be expected of you.  Yet, a simple mistake not only attracts hurtful or reprimanding words, it also means that little bit of piercing in your heart.  I know this because I grew up with this kind of love.  Mind you, it’s not that I don’t love my parents, I love them dearly, but it’s sad to know that they aren’t able to profess their love to their children (my sibling and I) in a loving manner.   I believe too, this is a generational thing, because our parents grew up knowing only this kind of love and thus, it is through this kind of love that they show to their kids.  Something to think about eh, a generational issue.  Well, that in itself will be something to blog about at another time.

Back to love; 1 Corinthians 13: 4-9; 13 never fails to amaze me in its definition of love. 

⁴Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

 ⁸Love never fails.

 ¹³And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

It’s easy to read the above and say, woah, but I believe, love in perfection is great!  But in reality, many would say, “nah, it’s too hard”, “if I love like that, I’ll only be hurt at the end” , “even in love I should protect myself” and etc.  I’ve also read in the other extreme whereby, “aiya, it’s ok that he’s scolding me or stopping me from going out, it’s just him”, “he always scold me, but I can take it’ and etc. 

Back to the simplicity of love; if both parties are able to trust each other, able to protect each other, choose not to put themselves before their loved ones, keeps no records of wrongs, I believe one will be able to fully love each other, and that itself is the simplicity of love.  We love because He first loved us (1 John 4:19).  Knowing that He chose to love us for who we are, we ought to also learn to love like Him.  What’s more, we are created in His image.  Without love, we will live in a world full of hate.  Can you imagine peace in such a world?  I honestly cannot. 

I’m not talking about perfect love, because we are imperfect and we are living in a world full of imperfection.  I’m talking about the willing to love simply, to love how we are loved, to love others for who they are, to love ourselves for whom God created us to be, to love as God loved us.  I’m not asking you to be perfect, but even as we learn to love the way love is as stated in 1 Corinthians 13, I believe we will love in a whole different level.  When we choose to love as written in 1 Corinthians 13; I believe this love will change not only the person we love, but also ourselves too.  What is love if we only expect the other to change?  Love changes us because life overflows out of love.  Hope overflows when we love. Peace overflows when we love.  We may not be able to love as wholeheartedly, but any attempt that we take is a change too.

Bear in mind, we need to make that change ourselves first before anything else.  How can we love others well if we don’t love ourselves well?  How can we see what love is if we don’t even love, respect and cherish ourselves?  If we are able to love ourselves first and foremost, I am sure that when you choose to love others, it will be a different kind of love too.  Nonetheless, loving oneself does not mean loving only self and satisfying only self.  That, in turn is called selfish love.  Yet, if we choose to love ourselves as what’s written in 1 Corinthians 13, I believe it will bring love to a different level for ourselves and for those around us. 

Love is not just a feeling, but it is also a commitment.  It’s something you work at, and not just relying on your own feelings contrary to what the movies tell you.  Love, work at it, learn it and spread it.

May the Good Lord’s love continue to envelope you dearly as you learn to love yourself and to love others as He love us.  

Realisation

I realised that:

• life is complicated, because we complicate it ourselves
• we faces expectation from others, because we have expection of others as well
• love is beautiful, yet many times perversed by men (women) (think point 1)
• that greed breeds discontentment.  Think of marketeers helping greedy companies to grow; they do up advertisements to breed wants and needs that leads to discontentment with our lives
• when one complains, one never realise that the complain will only breeds anger and bitterness in oneself
• it's better to shut up to gossips and complaints because it just will hurt rather than love; be it ourselves or towards others
• love is love; you can't say that you love yet you cannot love as a whole
• the ability to love is a blessing to others
• the ability to give and bless others is a gift in itself
• grace is borned out of love
• grace is everywhere, it's just a matter of opening your eyes and seeing it
• when life hands you a rotten apple, you can plant it, let it decompose and be a blessing to other plants

Lord, thank U for opening my eyes.  I pray Lord, that I will always keep my eyes toward U, that no matter what life hands me, I can always be thankful and grateful for the grace U have shown me.  May I learn to be a blessing to others; as others have allowed themselves to be a blessing to me.  Your grace and mercy are new every morning, and I thank U for showering me with them this morning.  All glory and honor be to Ur name oh Lord.  In Jesus' name I pray, Amen....

Luke 1:46

"My soul glorifies the Lord and my Spirit rejoices in God my Saviour...

Mary calls herself blessed, chosen to bore Jesus even though she is unmarried.  Not only that, she says that from that time onwards all generations will call her blessed, not because she borne Jesus, but because the Mighty One has done great things for her! She, an unmarried woman, is pregnant! As all generations, they who are pregnant and unmarried are shunned by the community.  They will/may be condemned to death! Yet, she says that the Lord has done great things for her, trusting that all generation to come will call her blessed instead.  Oh, what trust she portray to you oh God... so amazing, in total acceptance, she accepts your Word.  Will I ever be able to do as what she did?  I really am not sure oh Lord.  Yet, in any manner that I can, I will learn to place my trust in You oh Lord.  For I know, I will be called blessed because of You, OH Lord.

Luke 1:39

...the baby leaped in her womb, and Elizabeth was filled with the Holy Spirit

Even before Jesus was born, the people of God are also filled with the Holy Spirit! Look here, it is stated that Elizabeth is filled! What's more, out of her mouth she shows knowledge that is not of her own.  Mary - a virgin, yet, Elizabeth, when filled with the Holy Spirit, displays this knowledge that there is a baby in Mary's womb, and that baby is her Lord.  Likewise, why do we doubt that Holy Spirit give us knowledge and wisdom that is beyond our mind?  God is omniscience, so do not be surprised to know that the Holy Spirit will tell us things that that we do not know of.  That's why Jesus sent the Holy Spirit to us, to teach us of things of God, things that we do not know about.  Praise God for this gift.

Luke 2:32

Sovereign Lord, as you have promised,

You may now dismiss your servant in peace.

For my eyes have seen your salvation,

Which you prepared in the sight of all nations,

A light for revelation to the gentiles,

And the glory of your people Israel.

Amazing to know that God have shown Simeon his salvation plan.  What’s more amazing is the fact that he has planned for Jesus to be the light to the gentiles. Amazing.  God has mended for all to be saved! And He, in His sovereignty knows that the gentiles too need such revelation.  After all, Abraham was also a gentile.  The chosen father of faith, and now in full circle, all will come to know Christ as Saviour, disregarding your nationality.  This is for God has chosen all, forgiving all, reconciliaing all!

Hallelujah praise the Lord!

Luke 1:62-64

Then they made signs to his father, to find out what he would like to name the child.  He asked for a writing tablet, and to everyone's astonishment he wrote, "His name is John." Immediately his mouth was opened and his tongue was loosed, and he began to speak, praising God.

After rejecting and doubting the angel in the beginnin, and seeing that Elizabeth really got pregnant, Zechariah's faith must have increased tremendously.  What's more, he has to endure at least nine months of silence, of not being able to speak to anyone.  Would he speak to God during those nine months?  Maybe he did, and maybe all the while, after knowing that Elizabeth is pregnant, he's been praising God in his heart and soul.  And by faith, he named his son John! Amazing how God works.  I don't know how it would be like to not be able to speak, let alone for nine months would my faith be like Zechariah?  I'm not sure.  But by the grace of God, I want to have faith like Elizabeth, Zechariah and Mary, who places their  trust in God to the extent that their lives were changed tremendously from the encounter with God.

Luke 1:26-38: Bigger Faith

Mary was greatly troubled at his words and wondered what kind of greeting this might be.

Mary at that time was feeling afraid: as could be detected when the angel told her that there isn't a need to be so.  Yet, this is different from Zechariah's reaction; he expresses fear and doubt whereas all Mary expresses was sort of like a disbelief, similar to Zechariah; for she was a virgin and do not understand how she can conceive at that time.

"I am the Lord's servant", Mary answred. "May it be to me according to your word."

Her reaction from Zechariah's again is totally different.  Instead of questioning such possibility, she accepts the news from the angel.  She chose to be obedient to God and places her faith in God and His word instead of questioning further.  Her question was not of doubt, but more of wanting to gain an understanding; for by nature, only through sexual intercourse does one conceieve.  Although she would have a good future with Joseph, she trusts the Lord enough not to worry about Joseph.  Her initial obedience to God was even bigger than her concerns on what may happen if Joseph found out.  She just accepts God's will in this time of her life just as it is.

Her faith, is bigger than her situation... amazing....

Psalm 1

Psalm 1: They are like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whole leaf does not wither - whatever they do prosper.

The Lord blesses those who choose to delight in the Law of the Lord and choose to meditate on His law day and night.  This person ~ establishing his/her foundation in the Lord, choosing to be soaked in God's word and choosing to be delighted with this choice.  Clearly, the joy of the Lord is upon Him.  He who hungers the word of the Lord shall be fed and be blessed.  The word of God is like the stream of water, for from God flows the spring of life.  When we choose to meditate on God's word, we get soaked, so wet with God's word that we will never ger dry! Jesus is the water of life.  If/ When we choose to drink from Him, we shall never be thirsty! And God will bless that person by:

• not getting thirsty ever
• propser that person's life (financially, spiritually, in all aspect). Actually, prosper because spiritually God has filled us.

Chaff - straw/ hay cut up finely
Another definition: worthless matter; refuse.

So the wicked are like a worthless matter; to be thrown away, blown away - that's why they would not even be before the Lord.  They have been thrown out already!  God says: "But the ways of the wicked will be destroyed..."

Blessed

Lord, U really, really are my provider.  I am truly blessed.  Really, when I entrust my tithe into Ur hands, U rili allow me to test U, and thru this test, U continue to show to me that I can trust in U and that U will truly provide.  Thank U for those free meals that was provided to me... thank U for those friends whom U have placed in my life.  I truly am grateful for what U have blessed me with.

Lord, although things are not easy for me financially, yet U continue to show to me that I can rely on U during these difficult times, and that U will continue to provide for me.  For this oh Lord, I am grateful...

God So Love the World

Was reading JaesonMa's blog and was very touched by his entry on 365 days of love.  The song Worthy is the Lamb by Hillsong came to mind...



Thank You Lord for Your love.  Thank You for being You oh Lord.  Thank You for just being You....

Contemplation

With the start of a new year, I am thinking whether I ought to shift my blog to wordpress. I rather prefer their layout and there's more choices as well. However, it might take a little getting used to because it can be quite different from blogspot as well. Just a mere thought that I'm thinkering with.

This year, I hope, would be a good year. With the new year, God has blessed me with a new job. Although it would be in KL, I pray that I will do well and exceed the expectation of my new company.

Not only that, this year is, I supposed a year that I want to commit to the Lord. I want to grow and mature in my walk with God. I know there's a lot of activities in which I'm involved in church, but I pray that I not only want to be Martha, but also Mary. With such hope, I pray that God will continue to guide me in finding a balance between Martha and Mary.

There are certain things that needs to be found out and clarify in time too. But at the moment, I'm learning to be content and enjoy the moments. Although things may or may not be turning out as I expected, but I do pray that we will prepare to face whatever that may come this year.

Resolutions? I don't have a habit of preparing resolution... but maybe this year might be an exception as I think through and decide on certain things... till then...

Happy New Year everyone!

Questions, questions, questions..

Questions, questions, questions.. that's what I've been facing these days. It's not a good sight seeing all these happen. For whatever reason it is, I'm just bored and tired of things I guess.

Whenever friends or colleagues ask me things, I try to tai chi it over to some place else. Why? I really don't know. Maybe I'm just being plain tired already of work and stuff, that I feel like pulling away and isolate myself.

Gotta work on getting my life on the right track again. A friend said that my focus is at lost and shifted to something else, and that makes me think too. I guess it did happen to me and now in order to get things right I gotta be sure of what I'm going to do.

Independence

Was doing devo when I came across this passage written by Selwyn Hughes:

"Observing the ways in which those who are not yet Christians deal with their deep inbuilt longings has always interested me greatly. Some just deny them. They pretend they are not there and attempt to keep them out of awareness through the defense of denial. Why do people do this? Because to admit to these longings is to admit that they are dependent on someone else to provide what they cannot provide for themselves. As I have said many times before, that feeling of being dependent is something that the sinful human nature abhors. One of the roots of sin is the spirit of independence; people don't like to feel that they have to depend on God for their lives to work. They much prefer to depend on themselves and are therefore sinful. "

For the fact that lucifer chose to be independent of God and chose to be on his own ought to wake us up to the idea and the thought that independence ain't just what it seems right? And the fight for independence in terms of gender and etc ... are they just as that or is there some underlying factor/thing that's happening?

Which brings me to the lives of couples... they live to be dependent and yet in some ways, independent of each other. But the part, the thought on the amount of effort that the couple put in to learn to be dependent on each other is something that, I guess, not to be taken lightly.

Marriage is probably a manner in which God wants to open up our eyes to see, and to learn to be dependent on Him as well.

Thoughts, thoughts....and revelation....undeniably from God.

Of the struggles and..

In the midst of my struggles, I cry out to you my lord... hear my cry oh Father... do not leave me alone, but rather, allow my eyes to feast on you as i cast my worries, my struggles and my burdens to you oh Lord.

The cry of my heart is loud, the burden of my heart is heavy, weighing down on me, making my steps smaller and harder to make as each day goes by. But Lord, as I turn to you, please do not let me go until i feast my eyes on you. Let not your light grow dim in my life, but rather, in the midst of what i'm facing, may your light glow ever stronger and brighter still....

Tired, but looking towards the one who can give me rest

I'm tired... felt like I've aged a lot working here. One month of working seems to me as though it's one year of working. I'm drained, with no one to lean on at work.

Only He, and He alone can I look up and find peace.
Only Him, that I am able to turn to and pour my heart out

I'm tired Lord, and I turn to You for rest
I'm burdened, and I turned to You for your light burdens
I'm weary, and I turned to You for your ease

I may not understand what's going on, but LOrd, I will continue to trust in You at all times, and not try to comprehend things on my own. Lord, I acknowledge Your presence in my life and allow You to direct my path....

Work is quite draining at the moment. Feel like giving up, but still, only God knows the best timing for me to do so. Will hold on, not the work, but on God and on His promises for my life. Want to grow deeper in Him, for loving Him is also the greatest gift in my life.

Can I comprehend without Him in my life? I can't.... even before I accepted Him into my heart and life, He has already been working to draw me in. How wonderful our God is, that He knows us even before we are formed? Incomprehensible, for such an almightly God would choose a mere me to live in me....

Oh Holy Spirit, stir in me, that I may once again burn for Him... with a passion unspent.... in entirety, to serve Him from my humble being...